Waxing

So for some reason I was flipping channels a few weeks back and landed on the Tyra Banks show. I don't know that I have ever seen this before, but what caught my attention was the poor girl who decided she was gonna give herself a bikini wax right there on the stage while everyone watched. Of coarse Tyra built her a little box so you could only see her chest up, but still. The whole show was a do it yourself kind of deal.

Well, being a leg waxer myself for many years, I too once made the tragic mistake of thinking I could branch into more dangerous territory. All it took was one agonizing strip to realize this was the stupidest idea that had ever entered my oh so intelligent brain.

So... as Tyra checks the progress of the 'starved for fame of any kind' girl and makes a very painful face telling the audience that it looked like raging FIRE....I was reminded of possibly the funniest email I had ever received. For any of you that really need a good laugh and can relate, this brings a few tears to my eyes every time.

Please Enjoy

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold
wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together
in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your
leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't
too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the

right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek

(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I
think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory

that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed
shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to ! the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm
stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to
the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before

and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation

starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she
does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax
is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out
loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the

number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of

someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a

razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken
a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color